Vampire Obsession

As some of you might know, Playboy’s latest issue has vampires on its cover—sexy lesbian vampires, of course, but vampires nonetheless. Playboy has managed to take even undead women and transform them into something for their own masculine pleasure….but I digress. While reading the article attached to the photo shoot I began thinking: if they existed, would vampires even make better lovers or better partners? Are they Mr/Ms Right now or Mr/Ms true loves?

Let’s look at the facts:

1. Vampires are soulless. While in many version of vampire lit this makes them dark, mysterious, and sexy. (I say in most versions because, as some of my astute readers mentioned with my last post, earlier versions portrayed vampires in a less attractive lights. How far we have come; now they have the covers of Playboy). However, when it comes down to it, lacking a soul could create a real problem when attempting to build trust and mutual respect in a relationship. While cheating may bother you, would it really affect a soulless being? Sex is great, but trust is key as well. Is a vampire lover capable of offering you this?

2. Vampires need blood. In many ways this makes them rather needy and overly dependent, no? If they are looking to be a relationship, they are certainly not the rampant type. Think more Bill, Stephan, and Edward, less Damon, Eric, or the creepy roaming gangs in Twlight. This means that your vampire partner is not looking elsewhere for blood, s/he literally needs you to survive. This sounds like it could get unhealthy, pardon the pun; it certainly could get suffocating. Talk about clingy. Furthermore, what if you are just not in the mood to offer yourself? Rejecting sex is painful for your partner in many ways, but rejecting the offering of your blood is physically harmful to your vampire partner. Think about it.

3. Vampire never age. We have all considered this. If you intent to stay in some kind of long term relationship you have to live with the reality that he/she will continue to remain ridiculously young as you continue to age. Are you really ready to be a 40-something year old holding hands with a 20-something year old down the aisles of Target? How will date night even work when you are 60 and s/he is still 20? And what is the possibility that s/he will continue to be attracted to you after you take a turn down wrinkle road?

4. Vampires hang out/sleep in doors all day and are awake all night. (I realize that somehow Vampire Diaries has gotten around this, some sort of ring….pissahh I say.) Talk about two ships passing in the night. Unless you both suddenly become self-employed or find jobs working from home, how often will you really see one another? You head to work, s/he stays home, resentment builds. You head to bed at midnight, the guilt trips start that you could (physically) stay awake if you wanted; they are ones that don’t have a choice. Quality time becomes quite a (metaphysically) complicated issue. I can see the fights now….

So ladies and gentlemen, the questions remains. Vampires: better lovers or better partners? The facts seem to speak for themselves. While we all love a good reformed vamp, and most vamp lit tends to focus on the struggle of the steady human/vamp relationship, let’s get serious. Give me some Eric or Damon; give me some vamp passion and lust. Bill, Stephan, and all you romantic vamps can hit the road.

Thoughts?

You know I love vampire lit, tv shows, and movies but there have always been some issues for me.

3.  There are far too many vamp  stipulations, and they change from every author. When I read multiple books at the same time while also keeping up with series and a new movie I get the rules all mixed up. Do these vampires sleep at night? Do they have coffins? Do these ones avoid light or can they step outside? How in the world does one change into a vampire in this series? Is a bite sexy or painful in this one? Do these vamps have mind control? Do they have “special talents?” What blocks those talents? And honestly, what roles do garlic and silver play? There simply are too many to keep straight; give me a book with an index and a clear set of rules for your world, perhaps.

2. Why must the love stories in these pieces be so Romeo and Juliet like? It’s all a bit naïve, no?  These vampires simply become obsessed with particular human women with hardly any real explanation. Be honest, by the end of book four you hated Bella and Edward’s relationship. Some of the worst scenes in True Blood are the ones with just Sookie and Bill. They are mushy, unrealistic, and have horrible cliché music in the background. (You know you love the scenes with Sookie and Eric better because the love is riskier, more sexual, less high school like) More examples you say….why in the world in Stephan so obsessed to Elena, just because she looks quite a bit like his old flame Katherine? He barley knows her or anything about her character as person, yet he risks everything for her. The love stories in these books put both the human and vampire characters in so much peril and cause so much trouble yet it is just a “given.” It’s just all rather juvenile. Give me a complicated relationship, give me fights, give me jealously, give me real love. Then maybe Bella won’t look so pathetic and Sookie and Bill’s scenes won’t suck.

1. The worst by far…..the all too present, but never discusses, age issue. Why in the world are these vampires obsessed with dating high school girls? They are ageless and ridiculously attractive yet they return to high school to find women.  First, if you could choose anytime of your life, high school just seems silly. Still under your parent’s roof, attending daily classes, and not even able to legally drink. Who chooses this an as existence?  Second, I also find this all quite creepy; technically most of these men are well over 100 years old (mentally/developmentally), yet the women they chase are 17 and 18. Don’t these types of love interests seem a bit pedophile-like to anyone else? We scoff at Ashton and Demi, but Edward Cullen’s age is much farther apart compared to Bella and somehow we seem to eat that up? Stephan and his brother are obsessed with an 18 year old girl, aren’t there some moral and ethical issues we aren’t acknowledging here?

Do you agree? Do you have your own gripes? Lay it on me all……